So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
