i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
