my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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