Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
