I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
