did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
