i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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