if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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