His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
