I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
