Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
