I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
