Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
