I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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