I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
