I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
