: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
