My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
