i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
