omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
