his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I enjoy the company of your penis
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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