he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
