dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The beer is more important than you right now.
ttyl tear gas
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
