Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Randomize
