Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
