i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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