Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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