Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
