I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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