i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
