the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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