saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What a dumb baby whore.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
