Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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