I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
