I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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