Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
