My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
