I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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