It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
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Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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