I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
