he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
