This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
