at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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