dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
