On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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