Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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