from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My feet surprised me
Randomize
