Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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