I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
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God gave him joint rollers for hands
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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