why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
