I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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