why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
