i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
