It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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