When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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