My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
