I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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