it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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