don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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