Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
