you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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