he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
